I have spent the last year in a state of unrest. Not sure where to turn, what was coming next. One year ago, I found out that I was, a bit unexpectedly (hubs had just had a vasectomy), expecting a child. After the first couple of weeks of 'OH MY GOD', I found I was really looking forward to this little miracle. This unexpected little amazing. We told our 2 children and settled in for the ride. What a ride. In 3 months, I had gained 28 lbs., was sick constantly and very weak. I felt physically awful, yet strangely elated. I was growing a miracle. I could make it through (I had done it before!!). At 18 weeks, we found out, at a private ultrasound clinic, that there was no heartbeat.
The heartbreak was unbelievable. Something that I had thought I was immune to, had become my reality. Worse, my kids were devastated. For any mother, seeing your children sad makes any bad thing worse. It was all I could do to hold it together and figure out what I was going to do next.
Recently I have had another miscarriage. this one at 16 weeks. Again the heartache magnifies, everything comes flooding back in. Why me? why anyone?
Needless to say, I am doing my best to hold it together. I have learnt a lot about myself, my priorities and the important things this year. Now I struggle with how to put it all into action. How can I grieve and prepare to move on. The last thing that I want is to have all of this effect my children. I am so lucky to have them. They are amazing. But I still need to go through my process.
I have decided that, in spite of the heartbreak ( maybe because of it), I need to take some time for me. I need to be healthy so that I can be the me I know I am, do the things I want to do, be the mother my children need, and a wife to my long suffering husband. Never mind, perhaps, bringing that 3rd little miracle into the world - if that's something I decide I want again. Soo many reasons, all good.
But really, I just want to do it for me. Because I matter.
Here lies the confusion. I, like most other people, know the basics. Eat healthy, work out, etc. But I am a mother, work full time, and I am trying to find the energy to get through the day, never mind all of that! How do I fit all of it in? Can I stretch the day to 30 hours? also, I have some health related concerns that have come up through my 'procedures' that I have to take into account. I have a lot of concerns and am feeling more than a little overwhelmed.
This is meant to be a track record of my journey. Back to health, inside and out.... mental, physical, emotional, relational. All of it.
Welcome.
